Thursday, November 24, 2005
my C is zero.
ages. been ages. finally decided to update. sorry if anyone wanna read my blog for the past whole time.several happenings in my life. or rather, i cant take the impact. like seriously.
i will just explain wad's MapleStory or the popoular MS. its actually a virtual game in a virtual world. u just control a cute little character, go around chopping cute little snails at first and gradually come to stronger creatures. then u lvl up. ya of course you do. hello. immersing yourself in such a 'beautiful' virtual game may be a source of comfort. however, its nt a long term solution. heals your pain for sometime though.. lets you imagine that you at least are not the worst. imagine only. think about it only. not true in your real life. so, it means that it lets you be someone you arent in the game. cool huh. ppl like me need such a game. depend on such a game to live. if nt i'll just die. die on the spot. let you see. maybe you can see me in the news - Boy, 17 dies when he jumps from condo. me lor. aku.
just quit YO. returned the gig bag this afternoon. sad to see it part. dont want it to part. i'll nvr get to go there again. i thought i used to be on my way to there chair in the music studio. but guess wad. i didnt make it. i cant. CMI. wads wrong? you may ask. i wanna die. living everyday is a torture. seriously. nobody understands how i feel. seriously, nobody. i'm just gonna let down my monette and my conn5j sitting in my room. i had my dreams. yeah. define dream then. its imaginary. i once thought i had the ability to fulfill it. the harder i tried, the worse it became. till i decided to stop and rest. when i tried again ITE. its the end. really. humiliation on the name t.chow on wed was ulti-mate. but i understand. expected. seriously. if i had known i would be like that on this day, why would i have bothered to sacrifice so much here? appeal for TJ wouldnt have had happened. i might be in another JC, or rather poly. i came TJ with my intention of goin further. wad happened was, reverse effect. i died. why would i bother to join TJ, moreover, band. maybe its arrogance and ego. possibly.
once i was so IN, now im so out. outta place. out of the world, out of the scene. im nowhere. no place. things in my heart are dying to explode out. real. come on, i dont know where to start. u can find a string in my heart. millions of knots though. and the ends of the knot are stuffed back into the knots. so how. no ends. where to start? i'm like so outta touch of the music scene. philyouth is filled with new ppl. bowen is rising i heard. my friend is goin over to YO to replace me. life rocks. like seriously. you'll nvr know when things go 180 degrees backward for you. this is the lowest point in my entire life. literally. nvr before in my whole life i have felt this way. i have lost my life. lost my world. band has just died in me. however many REVIVE spells i try to cast, i can only see its fingers twitching.. it didnt rise. there's still a strong desire in me. i know i am a burden to many, wherever i am. thats why i dont enjoy it. maybe ppl dont think so, but i'm definitely nt a selfish bastard who'll happily be the prick on a rose. i dont wanna be lousy. im nt a person who'll do something which i suck at. hello, why should i. the more i do, the bigger the letter L of the word LOSER is on me. i have no life now.
studies? sucks, sucks, and sucks. t.chow is a freaking idiot. stupid. dumbell. wadeva. i gt a CEEE. Cock, EEE-diot, and 2 more Es i dont know wad to write. wordless. i thought i'll do well in chem and it apparently sucked. physics too. maths i tot i failed i gt C. wtf. f.maths i didnt expect an E. D at least. just because of carelessness and leaving out mechanics. fk it. GP D7. qualified to appeal. and it didnt work. the whole world was raising my hopes and bang. i died. 'i'm sorry you have to drop a subject.' ITE again. life's cruel. i finally understand why. no chance. now i'm left with 3. die liao. repetition of my sec3 life. songbo.
broke up with pam. died again. my decision though. say i'm stupid, hurry. i know. refer to above for reason. no pt. la. really. see me as a roadsweeper in the future.
im good at nothing. as you can see, i have no strengths in anything. really. i know i have 1. or so i think. but i have completely no chance to exercise it. because i was said to be a person who when facing another situation will lose track of main goal. ok. do i? i dont think so. i dont care anymore la k. seriously. this past 2months or so has made me fall into a bottomless pit. how am i gonna crawl out? kevin told me its psychology. i dont think so. if it was so easy, i would i have done it. the problem is that its not only 1 problem, but like a machine gun. fire continuously. i admit. i lose. i surrender. the white flag is up. i nt good enough la. just let me live a quiet life.
was this update useful? was it cool? was it interesting?
i dont know. i only know that i am a changed person.
from up there to down there. i think i have a different character now.
lies and deceit. facade. only things are hidden where nobody will find, or ever try to find.
try to pry open a mouth of doom.
then you'll find a bottomless pit. jump in, and find me.
if u can. maybe im miles below when you just jumped.
try to dive faster than me. rescue me.
blog. blog blog.
till then.
tata.
cya.