Thursday, September 08, 2005
Rain of Criticisms.
She called me in the afternoon at abt 1pm+. haiz. i really dont know wad to do la. so many things to do. so little time. i want to keep everything in place. wonder why did i chose to come tj. but on the other hand, if i didnt come tj i wouldn't have known her. true. i'm so troubled. all i want to do now is just be give a space and time to finish wadever i have to before i get back in there. am i wrong? she isnt my toy. she isnt an object. she is my gf. come on.. im so stuck up and have many things to do. oh well. help! but nobody hears me. she doesnt wanna end it. me neither.as i've said.. slpt very late.. or early. 5am? omg. supposed to study today but didnt. die la. supposed to do ionic equilibrium and projectiles. didnt touch any. was supposed to do ionic yesterday but couldnt concentrate. reach home cry cry. sian. and last night mapled till abit the early. wee hours of the morning. lvled up to 20.. thats nt bad i guess.
then went for YO. jinhao is goin to main. thats nice. i knew he'd go up sooner or later. and im left in the ensemble.. with lian wei who's gone missing and huihong who always nvr come. in other words.. im alone. played 2 christmas pieces today.. and han solo attack me. using his ferocious and spear-like words and concept of "air pressure" and "muscles" and "body usage". every thurs he also like that. then he'll ask me whether is it i long time nvr play. i always wanna say i did but if i did means that i'm damn lousy.
the fact is that i chose to change my embrochure. i also know its a damn bloody big change. from beginning which always tried to go back to old ways.. to trying too hard. its between them. its really not easy. sometimes i really wonder whether i was right to change. and i wonder if i can every go back to my past. when i could play without worries. just play and think that im good. and thats how i got into YO. i thought i was good and i applied. and there i am now suffering i guess. every thurs i scared to go. wonder whether i'll get another shot. come on.. it sucks. would any1 like to try and sit in my place? try my shoe? stand in my position?
everytime i go for any group practice i'll feel stressed and sian. see twain who is eupho pro. really pei fu. he's talented like mad. i dont know wad to say. bet the whole world thinks t.chow plays like crap now. or maybe always been. yeah.. sometimes i would just think of my past when some of my juniors would just look up at me and say, "you're good." thats like the past. where TKBand is filled with nothing but marching. i have not known wad a good band should sound like. not known wad a good tuba sound is like. nvr had an actual teacher like till sec3 syf. lai jin xing. yeah man. haiz...... wondered why i joined band. wonder why i nvr score well and go dunman high. or maybe why i didnt join band in pri sch. why? so many wonders. wad a wonderful world.
just reached home actually. ate some jap food and takopachi for dinner in the car. tml gonna go sch and prac with yi hern before his with clara. 8days to exam. cleaned the cage. the hammy reminds me of her. puffy cheeks. the neoprint. the one which gen said we looked a million years older. haiz.
anyway.. have to try to study. tata.
see you blog.
hope i improve?
see you blog.